I thought about it the first time I saw him on the turf… his black, sinewy body bolting towards the ball. His sense of focus, his athleticism, his ability to stay “in the moment”…
As he tackled the tennis ball and spun around towards me… my first thought was CORNERBACK. His athleticism, intelligence and closing speed made him a lock at this position.
What about other dog breeds? Where would they line up on game day?
As we approach Super Bowl and Puppy Bowl… I thought it was worth a little time and analysis to answer the question:
“If dogs played football, which breed(s) would be the best draft picks by position?”
To answer this question, I used three major sources.
- Pro Football Weekly’s draft guide
- ModernPuppies.com dog weights by breed
- Dogtime.com’s list of top breed characteristics.
Introducing the “Size Index”
To better analyze the relative SIZE of NFL players and our favorite pooches I developed the “size index”.
To calculate the size index I took the range of weights for both NFL players and top dog breeds and built an index. In this case, an index of 100 represents the weight of the largest player/pooch (St. Bernard – average weight 160). All breeds shown below are indexed relative to the St. Bernard.
I also used the characteristics of NFL players and dog personality characteristics to inform my analysis.
Puppy Bowl owners, here’s your cheat sheet to top draft choices by position:
Your burly defense needs to be swift to defend against the pass, but also must have the brawn and toughness to stop today’s run-minded offenses.
Defensive Tackle
Your first thought might be to slot a Great Dane in this critical line spot… while physically imposing (size index 90.6), the Great Dane far too affectionate and mild-mannered for this level of play. You’re better off drafting the Mastiff (size index 96.9)
This is one of the most ancient breeds (over 5,000 years old), renowned for its ferocity as a war dog. His strength and short-distance quickness will serve you well when you dial up the bull rush!
Defensive End
Explosiveness is the key characteristic of this position… and the best breed to provide the size (size index 50) and acceleration off the snap is the Rhodesian Ridgeback:
This dog was created in Africa to be a versatile hunter and home guardian. His triple threat of size, explosiveness and intelligence makes him a lock at this position.
Cornerback
Where explosiveness is key on the d-line, the cornerback really needs closing speed and coverage skills of the Labrador Retriever.
The Lab’s (size index 73) intensity and work ethic will allow him to lead your team in tackles. In addition, his breeding as a hunting dog makes him the perfect mid-range pass protection for your defense.
Defensive Safety
Coverage skills and intelligence are key to success in this position. You need to go international for this pick with Borzoi.
These dogs were bred to hunt rabbit, foxes and wolves. His size index of 65 (plus his Russian accent) will be intimidating when he trash talks his opponents! Range and speed are the key attributes of the safety position, and the Borzois’ prey drive will serve him well on the gridiron.
On the other side of the ball… OFFENSE
Your want your offense to be a threat in both rushing and passing. It takes some chemistry (and a strong O-line) to protect the quarterback and allow the skill players to do their thing when you have the ball. Let’s start up front with the big bodies:
Offensive Center
This position requires base strength, quickness and excellent decision-making. Size is important, but intelligence separates the all-pros from the also-rans. Your best choice here is the Swiss Mountain dog (size index 84.4).
This breed was bred to herd cattle, pull carts and stand guard. He will serve you well in grounding the offensive line and leading the other lineman in your intricate play calling.
Offensive Guard
The guard is becoming the running back of the offensive line, often pulling to lead the run attack. For this reason, this position must have size, strength and speed. Your best bet for this critical position is the Irish Wolfhound.
This breed was originally used in war to drag men off horses and chariots. His skill set and speed will serve you well for both pass protection and hammering defensive tackles and ends on that power sweep you like to run.
Offensive Tackle
This is one of the critical skill positions in the game. The prototype NFL offensive tackle blends balance, strength and intelligence. To get the best breed to protect your quarterback, draft the biggest breed (size index 100) on the block – the St. Bernard.
His massive size and versatility will anchor your o-line and provide the big body you need to defend against the sack.
Running Back
Today’s best running backs are a threat carrying the ball as well as catching passes out of the backfield. The key attributes of this position include vision, speed and versatility. The high energy and intelligence of the Doberman Pinscher (size index 80) makes him the best draft choice for this position.
On game day, he’s big enough to take a hit and ferocious enough to pound through a linebacker.
Offensive Fullback
While we see a fullback on the field less often in today’s spread offenses, you want to draft a breed that brings the toughness, power and versatility needed in short yardage rushing situations and pass protection. Look no further than the Great Pyrenees…
He brings a big body (size index 95) and his ancestry goes back over 11,000 years! An added bonus is that this beast of a dog has double dewclaws (most dogs just have one)… this will help him hold on to the ball in short yardage situations.
Quarterback
Do you want the intelligence and game-management of a Peyton Manning or the athleticism and speed of a Cam Newton to run your offense? Fortunately, in the canine draft you can have both in a German Shepherd!
This working dog has the size (size index 85), intelligence and courage to make the big plays.
Wide Receiver
Agility and the ability to turn quickly are critical in the wide out position. There are lots of “fast” dogs (if all you want is FAST, draft the Saluki who has been clocked at 43 mph!!!!). Today’s game requires speed and resiliency… the smart owners will draft a Vizsla.
Be careful at the combine, as Vizslas are often misidentified as a Rhodesian Ridgeback or Redbone Coonhound. At a size index of 38, these speedsters are your best bet for that quick slant route over the middle!
SPECIAL TEAMS
Your special teams can be a difference maker in the close games. Here are a few select positions you should consider when drafting your special team skill players.
Long Snapper
Your long snapper needs the confidence and intelligence to consistently get the ball to the punter. He also needs the tenacity to counteract the rush of the defensive nose tackle. Your breed for this position is the Rottweiler.
His broad chest and heavily muscled body and size index of 68 will give you the strength you need up front.
Punter
Sure, a strong leg is a must-have in today’s best punters. In addition, ball control is becoming increasingly important as team’s fight for field position. The Airedale Terrier is the right pooch for the punt!
His intelligence and agility will help when the defense dials up a big rush. While size isn’t the most important consideration, the size index of 55 will allow the Airedale to stand up to most rushers.
Placekicker
Confidence is perhaps the most important characteristic while drafting this position. Your ideal pick will have the intelligence to line up his kick while exuding confidence when the opposing coach calls a time out to “ice the kicker”. Your best pick for this important special teams player is the Irish Setter.
He combines athleticism with agility. His playfulness in the huddle will help calm the nerves of his teammates as they prepare to attempt the big kick!
Gunner
This is your lead tackler when kicking the ball. This position must have incredible closing speed and body control. In addition to being an excellent tackler this player has to chase down the kick returners and fire up the kicking team.
The Weimaraner is the top dog in this category. Bred as a hunting dog, this “silver ghost” combines speed and high energy.
Who’s filling the water bowls of our canine gladiators… the French Bulldog. He loves playing ball but simply is not up to par for competitive sports. His low speed, limited agility, and weight to height ratio (size index 13.8) seriously limit the minutes he would see on the field. Where he does excel is as the peacemaker. The Frenchie’s personality characteristics allow him to easily get along with all other breeds, and studies have shown that putting a Frenchie in the mix will keep the other dogs from lashing out at each other.
With a testosterone-filled locker room, consider a Frenchie as your water boy to help your team keep its aggression out of the locker room and on the field.
And finally, no Puppy Bowl team is complete without… Cheerleaders
Cavalier King Charles Spaniel – size index 9.4
Bichon Frises – size index 5.6
Lhasa Apsos – size index 8.8
Brussels Griffons- size index 5.6
Well, that’s it. A carefully considered survey of top breeds and their best position on the gridiron. I’ll be using these data to build a “Madden-like” video game using the information I researched for this exploration. Watch for it in stores in time for the holiday season!
This essay originally published on February 4, 2016.